Article Written by Ziggy
All,
So I was in a group chat with my other league and was yelling at that commissioner to start doing a weekly update in that league. Then I realized I said I would do that here and haven't in like 48 weeks! Time to break down the action of last week (and some of this week).
Standings, and other stuff that doesn't matter since we don't play for money
If you're paying attention to the standings, we have Javi, Gordo, and Juan at the top! And Javi crushed it against Janelle's team last week, winning the right to rename her team... uh... "IDK Im a Girl teehee"? Javi, I'm really fucking disappointed in you. That's some weak ass shit. After some of the best renames of the year last year, that's what you come up with? If it happens again, I'm docking you a win.
This week, it looks like those same three dudes are going to maintain a stranglehold on the top spots, unfortunately. I say unfortunately because I'm pretty sure two of them are cheating. Don't ask me how people cheat in fantasy football when money's not on the line, but trust me, they found a way. If forced to pick, I'd say it's probably the the Spaniards. They look shifty.
Phil is rocking the bottom of the standings two weeks in a row. Shit, Phil, get it together!
| Figure 1. It turns out if you start to type "Phil Tort..." into Google, it autocompletes "Phil Tortellini" which makes me smile. |
Fantasy News, aka it turns out it mostly IS luck
Fuck. Juan was right. Fuck this game. It doesn't matter if you planned or how much, because god hates you, and he's going to take your first round pick away from you. Let's take a look at the first round picks that are either injured, or fucking suck donkey dick! (If you don't like my language, I'd like to inform you there is a formal complaint box. First, write down your complaint. Then, fold it up and reach behind you. Pull down your pants, and shove that complaint right up your asshole.) Anyway, the list:
- Jamaal Charles hurt something this week, and he sucked last week! Millions of fantasy players around the globe cried into their shitty beers.
- Adrian Peterson beat his kid. That asshole's eventually gonna end up suspended for 6 weeks. (But the team reactivated him for week 3)
- Matt Forte sucked last night. Fuck you, Matt Forte, you aren't helping me in my money league.
- Eddie Lacy suffered a concussion last week, and he fucking blew this week!
- AJ Green's got turf toe! A nice goose egg for Green owners! Look for this to nag him for months. Remember, the week you finally bench him after consecutive shitty starts, he'll score three TDs.
- Alshon Jeffrey hurt something, but the Bear played him anyway this week. He was pretty shit. I wish I was doing this drunk.
- Doug Martin was out this week. Fuck that guy. Some kinda knee trouble. Maybe he should give his knees a rest and stop blowing dudes.
- Reggie Bush has been pretty meh. That also aptly describes 8 of his 9 seasons playing in the NFL.
- Ryan Mathews sprained his MCL. I guess that one year you didn't get hurt seriously was a fluke, eh, Matty boy?
- Ben Tate got hurt the first game, which doesn't surprise me at all.
- Toby Gerhart is white. I have no clue why anyone around the web thought he could be a RB1.
- Jason Witten, I thought you were supposed to be a high level TE! I'll blame this on that Romo asshole.
- Turns out Vernon Davis is out for a few weeks. Big news for Crabtree owners!
Some players who weren't top picks, but are also gone:
- RGIII dislocated his ankle. Sounds painful. On a related note, does this make the Redskins better or worse?
- DeSean Jackson did something to his shoulder, but I don't care to look up the severity. Seriously, Redskins news? Ugh.
- Mark Ingram was doing awesome! And then got hurt. Owning him in several leagues, a big fuck you to me, eh?
- Knowshown Moreno tore it up week 1, and then dislocated his elbow. He'll be gone for at least a month. Oh, Lamar Miller is also hurt.
- Trent Richardson is garbage, as usual.
- Torrey Smith... what happened, dude?
- Eric Decker is hurt, but he's on the Jets. Only idiots draft people from the Jets.
- MJD is hurt. Ho hum.
- Cecil Shorts, Allen Hurns... bah
To round out the list, these fuckers are still in trouble for doing drugs!
- Wes Welker says he wasn't on ecstasy with Brady and Wilfork at the Kentucky Derby, but look at this picture. Look at Wilfork's face. That dude's on drugs. You don't look that goofy without being either a) on drugs or b) a Manning.
- Josh Gordon was around some people who got stoned, so of course this dude deserves to ride the bench forever. Fuck that guy, right? There's a special circle in hell reserved for scumbags like this. Here's looking for him to get reinstated right on time for him to help you win the consolation bracket of your leagues.
- That kicker in Denver. He actually drank some beers, and that got him suspended 4 games. Remember kids, Goodell says you can crack your wife across the jaw, so long as you don't crack open a beer afterwards.
I probably won't happen, but let's all pray Goodell gets fired.
Other NFL News, or the section where I get to make fun of the Giants
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
Speaking of the Jets, only they can manage to lose as spectacularly as they do. Wow. Leave it to the Jets to call out a timeout right before their own game tying TD at the last minute.
Before you get all up in arms, my team sucks too. I called it during the offseason. I predicted the Steelers go 8-8, I see no reason to change that prediction. This team is ugly, and their play on the field is ugly. At least this happened last week:
Gah.
Remember, we'll be doing keepers going into next year, but considering that list of injuries above, it's probably better if we just start playing fantasy hockey instead.
Thanks,
Ziggy
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